The Awakening

... now everything's clear. i've held it in for so long... all bottled up within the very depths of my soul. how i lived you. how i breathed you. how you haunted my every dream. how you're everywhere, all over the place. how you're everything and everything is you. and never, not even once, did i ask for it all to stop. NEVER.

all i ever really wanted was to let you know. all i ever really wanted was to tell you.

and i never realized, until i did it, that it was all i ever had to do to stop it.

just like that.

i don't know why, or how, but it just did.

and why wouldn't it, when you've just bared your whole soul to one person, only to have that person tread on it without acknowledgment. without a care, that he's just walked on somebody's soul?

and the thinnest thread i've been holding on to was broken.

what's lost is gone.

and it is with gratitude that i accept it.

what's past is past.

and with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul, i'm thankful for the present.

i don't even worry about the future. i'll get there when i do.

and i'll see you when i see you.

or maybe i won't.

- TAKEN FROM Letters to the Ice

The Ice Is Melting...

you should've let it melt eons ago. i don't know why you kept in the freezer.

what were you thinking, reliving his memory after all these years?

why do you dwell on your happy moments with him, when all he ever remembers you for is all the hardships he's gone through with you when you were together?

how can you still care for him, when he doesn't even want to be your friend?

how can you want him, when he can't accept you for who you really are?

why can't you forget him, when he doesn't even remember you now?

how can you say he's the best you ever had, when you still have your whole life ahead of you???

why share your dreams with him, when all he's ever done is step on them?

why cry, when he didn't even care to see you smile?

why bare your soul, when he never really saw you for half the person you really are?

why try to be honest, when all he's ever done is avoid your honesty?

why care, when he doesn't?

how can you want to be there for him now, when he doesn't even need you?

how can you want to be there for him now, when he was never ever there for you?

how can you still love him, when he has long ago forgotten you?

the ice is melting.....

so let it.

- taken from Letters to Diego's Mother

Hey There!

i'm not so sure if bloggers need to introduce themselves in their blogs. but if they do, then i guess i should, too. this is mostly a copy-paste version of the "About Me" section of my Facebook Page, with a few updates and modifications here and there....

so... basically....

i am loud, lazy, and impatient...i love life and i love myself... well, not the narcissistic kind of self-love, ofcourse, but the kind that allows me to not take sh*t from anybody.

i have an adorable (atleast to me) cute (atleast to her dad) little daughter that i dote on. i am never an "okay" person; instead, one you'll either REALLY LIKE or REALLY DISLIKE.

i enjoy starting new projects but apparently, i lack a certain human gene that gives people the ability to finish things.

i am fascinated with witchcraft and sorcery, tarot reading and crystals, i like to read books, mostly novels, but when there's really nothing else to do i'd be content to read anything i can get my hands on. i can spend hours and hours on the internet. i'm a youtube addict, and a  frustrated dancer. i'm also a fashion failure, i never know how to dress myself up.

i do things because i want to, or simply because i can. i hate being told what to do and how to do it, i usually know what i want, and mostly how to get it, i used to be a a go-getter, but now not so much because my resources and means have become rather limited.

i am very spontaneous, i very rarely stop to think, or sometimes i simply forget to. when i'm being myself, i sometimes get a little tactless,but under extreme pressure, i can be very respectful, too. i can get along fine with "plastic" and pretentious people but i have very little patience for the hypocrites, and the holier-than-thou kind of people. i actually have a very unusual high tolerance for people EXCEPT for those whom i dislike. i don't know why... but if i don't like someone, i simply can't find enough patience to last talking to them for 3 minutes. some people find me friendly, or approachable, and even trusting. but i know for a fact that i'm not the nicest person on earth, and i don't give away my friendship quite easily, but once i've committed myself to become a friend to someone, i'm a friend for life. i love all my friends to death.

i'm a very predictable person, and by this, i mean you can always expect me to react and behave the same way that i always do in common, regular situations, not matter how tired, or sleepy, or sleepless, or hungry i am. i don't know how other people can like it, but i so hate window shopping. i will only go to a mall when i know there's something i wanna buy. i love listening to music, mostly any kind, except for the heavy metal, and.... no salbakuta or april boy regino (is he still alive?) kind of music, pleeeeease!

one thing that i always pride myself in is that i've very sharp memories of the past, i can remember things and events that other people would have normally forgotten already. and i never fail to be amazed with the human capacity for violence, don't ask me to expound. i meant exactly just that.


most people (especially my friends) think i'm smart, or intelligent (oh, i just love my friends)... but what most people don't know about me is that math and i have a loooooooooong history of hatred for each other. and if you can call somebody who failed algebra 7 times an intelligent person, then there has to be something wrong with you.

and eventhough i've been in Paris for the last eight years, there had never been a day when i didn't eat rice, and i actually learned to cook a few dishes and pinoy deserts since i got here, otherwise there won't be any way for me to enjoy those mouth-watering kare-kare and that blissfully fattening brazo de mercedes and i could go on and on and on but i'd rather not....

and lastly... not a lot of many people know this,but the truth is, i've been inlove with Robert Downey, Jr. since i was thirteen.

My High School Hero

just yesterday apple and i were talking and reminiscing about our good old high school days and how we enjoyed them then. we talked about how we were in school when we were younger... what we used to do during our period breaks, what we used to eat in our canteen, what subjects we used to like and the teachers that we used to hate, which movies we used to watch and where we went to whenever we cut classes. and towards the end we talked about who we used to hang out with and wondered what have happened to those we've lost touch with.

and then we had a vague recollection of a boy, a classmate, that i used to hang out with in junior high school... a recollection so vague we both couldn't remember his name. and funny how it was that i used to think he was probably just some character i read in a book somewhere... or someone from somebody else's memory.

you see, i've always prided myself on having a very sharp memory. especially those that have made a great impression in my past, particulary in my childhood. but this boy... this boy whose face i can barely recall... oh well... atleast now i know that i didn't imagine him. that he really did exist in my childhood days. that my cousin used to see me hanging out with him, and him hanging out with me. that she remembered we used to sit next to each other at the back of the classroom.

and why am i making such a big fuss of him now? i don't know... except only for the fact that when i was a new transferee in school and nobody gave a sh*t about me, he was there. i don't really know why i remembered him except maybe for the fact that when my "new friends" realized i didn't want to hang out with them after school and decided to leave me and mock me and humiliate me at every opportunity they could get, this boy was there for me. whenever most of the time i hang out with my cousins or kept to myself in school, the rest of the time i hang out with him. and the funny thing was... he didn't even talk. not a lot, atleast. he just sat there, beside me. asked me about the day's lessons (especially the ones that he missed whenever he decided they weren't worth his time). he always just sat there, listening to my rants and raves and my ceaseless talks. and he listened.

i mean he really did listen.

once during our one-sided talks i told him about this classmate of ours who used to like me and courted me for a while. now this classmate didn't take kindly to rejections, and the jerk, after being rejected thrice by me, became rude and mean in the end. i remember he used to trip me in the corridors, and push me down the stairs. yes, he did, immature little prick that he was. and so, after pissing me off with another one of his rude antics, i was ranting my disgust to this boy who always listened. and the next day after that, our jerk classmate missed school. and my friend, with his quiet voice, told me that Jerk wouldn't want to bother me again. A few days after that Jerk went back to school sporting some half-healed bruises and wounds. Apparently my silent friend had Jerk beaten up by some of his friends. Turned out he happened to be one of the biggest thugs and he belonged to one of the most notorious gangs in school. But really, he didn't look the type, I swear!

But being friends with him really had its advantages. For one thing, no one bothered me again. ever. i suddenly had this sort of an "invisible shield" that protects me from the meanest bullies in school. And these high school meanies actually fear me! Hehe... Talk about being "close" with a thug! I can always challenge anybody, and i mean anybody, into a fight and nobody would dare to cross me. and he was the one who taught me that in our school (well, i don't know about these days but in my days, my school is one of the most notorious high schools in manila)... he taught me that in our school, and in anywhere i am, i must always act tough. that i must always speak tough. that i must always BE tough. that way nobody would bully me. that way nobody would step on me. that way nobody would give me sh*t.

and i kept that advice.

at the start of the third quarter of the school year, he stopped showing up at school. and a few days after, some policemen showed up in our class, and i remember i was feeling cold and clammy when i was taken out of our classroom to be interviewed by two police officers about the whereabouts of my silent friend whose name i still can't remember even up to this point. i thought he'd gotten to some big mischief. and i was right. only, it was more than just a big mischief he'd gotten into. the policemen told me that my silent friend, who'd always been soft-spoken, who had always made me feel like a real lady, who had given me protection from all those meanies and bullies in school, who never had any other friend in class... had stabbed somebody else to death. whether he did it accidentally or on purpose, i never found out.

i never saw him again after that. but from him i learned to be tough. i learned to be a survivor. i learned to be strong. i learned to fight. i learned not to let anybody give me hell, not even from our high school principal who refused to sign my application for the UP entrance exam (because she believed i wouldn't make it to UP and she wanted to minimize the number of failed examinees to keep the high school's humiliation within a bearable level. too bad i never got to see the look in her face when she heard the news.. haha)...

but most of all, i remember him for all his attention to me. for keeping me company. for protecting me from all the bullies and meanies that only the gangliest corners of tondo manila could produce.

oh, sheesh... i really don't remember his exact face or his name anymore. joseph or joshua. something that sounded like that. gosh, i don't even know if he's still out there... you know, living... but i certainly hope he is... although others may feel different especially when i've written that he was already taking lives at the age of what, fifteen? yeah well... i can't help wishing he's still out there. after all, i saw the good side of him before i found out he was a thug.

and so wherever you are, joseph or joshua or something like that... here's a little tribute to you. just to let you know that i remember you. i don't know anything else about you. but whoever you really are, and wherever you are now, i want you to know that you are remembered, and that once, in your younger years, you've made a great impact on the life of a girl who never used to be so sure, and so strong, and so tough, as she is now.

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